My Dearests Harvey and James,
It was five years ago today when I got the news that turned my world upside down. I remember it both as hazey as a dream yet as vivid as a movie in my head. I remember being on the bed at 12 weeks for the first scan in my pregnancy with you both at 17 years old and the poor poor sonographer who said "I've got some news....it's twins!" ....I screamed and wailed and your Aunty Bekki wrapped her arms around me like a surrogate mother. "Two babies.....TWO BABIES! How the hell am I going to cope with TWO BABIES!" I remember.
All Bekki said was "You're going to be alright! It's going to be fine. We'll cope!" and thats when after what felt like a lifetime crying I finally realized the room I was in that had two or three other mums-to-be had fallen silent. You could hear a pin drop and echo!
A few weeks went by until it started to sink in..I was going to be Mum by christmas! Me, I may not be a "girlfriend" forever or "so and so's" best mate or working my way up in the company I worked for any time soon. But one thing was for sure...two beautiful babies were coming...I WAS going to be a mum END OF!
I remember thinking that so well as it felt like an epithiny. A great bit "forget the world you have babies to raise!" moment.
I always had this nagging feeling in the back of my head for weeks (get us checked, get us checked, get us checked) and a few times I had pulled your Dad and Nanny out of work to go to the hospital for false alarms and wasting everyone's time. Paranoia. So after a "false appendix scare" I thought enough is enough. Sick of this now shut up and get on with it and worry when there's a real problem woman!
But straight away after that moment, it was odd I ballooned up to the size of a 30+ weeks bump that was hard as rock. But still "don't be daft your having twins for goodness sake."
But sunday 2nd August 19 weeks 5 days pregnant after 8 hours on a busy checkout. I was exhausted, my stomach felt like lead and the skin so tight I couldn't turn. I got home went to the toilet and thought WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAT? Very light watery blood in my pants. Panic hit me and then all of a sudden I relaized I couldn't remember the last time I felt you two move! In tears I went downstairs to tell my, exhausted in her own right, mother whose reply was "Oh for God's sake not again (referring to all the false alarms) can't I just have my tea in peace!" Which sound so harsh but you would have said the same to me.
Aunty Bekki to the rescue again, I turned up to her house in tears with my notes and the maternity ward invited me up for a check up.
As soon as I got there, I knew, the nurses knew, my sister knew, Daddy knew but nobody said a word until we were for sure. I had a exam and saw blood on their equipment. Two nurses then gave a scan and I saw you both there. Being so still, so silent...so innocent....even I could see there wasn't a heartbeat but I didn't lose hope. I begged and pleaded in my head for you both to move. Then the nurses agreed to call a doctor from home in to confirm what they knew. The poor doctor, I couldnt even look at him. I didn't want to see his face and associate his face as the bearer of bad news and take it out on him. I don't know why it made perfect sense at the time.
I think I stayed overnight and had another scan in the morning to investigate a little further. It was twin-to-twin transfusion 100% natural where I was told because you two both shared a placenta one of you got too much "food" the other one starved. James a woman told me they thought you had passed for "quite some time" and I wondered if that was the nagging feeling I had for a few weeks?!
I was given a pill and told it would help speed to natural process along and I was sent home to come back wednesday if nothing had happend (but to come back when things were moving on)
Stupidly I decided to take a walk to the corner shop where, ofcourse, I bumped into someone I knew who caressed my bump, asked how far gone I was, blah blah blah and I stood there and lied about it all pretending everything was alright! I still couldn't say the words or even able to process what had just happend. Well that night everything happend I returned to hospital, given as much pain releif as I needed.
At half twelve 4th August I first delivered you Harvey. I said I didnt want to see you at first. But curiosity killed me and thank god it did. Harvey you were a little fatty! Piggy round belly and it shocked me you were so warm!!! Like a little fireball and you looked so grumpy bless you! James I was shocked just how much you looked like your dad! Same shape head same teeeny tiny ears and you had such a peaceful look on your face just like you were sleeping bless you too.
It didn't sink in over the next few days. I had your Auntys and Uncle to come see you two. Met a wonderful Vicar who christened you. Adored the nurses. But still didnt feel real....the night before your funeral your dad wrote a poem and I wrote you two a letter and I told you everything I wanted to tell you how I felt what was on my mind what I was worried about and your Dad wrote you two a poem. We sat out in Nanny's back garden and read each others words. Whilst writing it there was russling in the garden. Two hedgehogs!! How adorable and appropriate! I felt you two were with me it was amazing x
After this soul destroying time of my life. I went off the rails. I had dramatic episodes. But I'm better now I miss you two so much I wish so much you had survived and that Kain your brother were all together as a family. I wanted to get tatoos of your or someting I wanted something to always be able to see you and remember you.....but I will always always always remember you two you are my babies and always will be in the hearts of your family. I beleive we will be together when it's my time to go and will have longer than life together! All of us will eventually one day in years to come be together.
I love you both so much Grumpy and Sleepy :) I miss you so much
Goodnight Sweethearts
Mummy x
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